Jarlaxle's Christmas Special
by Shadowgirl1
Summary: The drow of Bregan D'aerthe happen upon the concept of Christmas. Jarlaxle organizes a party and his tailor, Jarian, is only too happy to comply. Entreri, however, is less than amused.


Disclaimer: Jarlaxle and Entreri are not mine and neither is the organization of Bregan D'aerthe or Menzoberranzan. Some characters are mine…yet they seem to prefer each other to me. Happy holidays and enjoy!

Jarlaxle sat at his desk and stroked his chin thoughtfully. He had just conversed with a human from another realm and was quite intrigued by the concept she extolled…something called _Christmas_. He had conversed with this particular human on many different occasions, allowing certain members of his mercenary band to speak with her as well. They had an arrangement, they would act as her Muses and she would chronicle certain events.

A gem flashed on Jarlaxle's desk. "Enter."

Entreri made his way into the room and folded his arms. "You summoned me, now what do you want?" The assassin recognized a cunning gleam in Jarlaxle's eyes and it unsettled him greatly. That meant that he was up to something and whenever Jarlaxle was up to something, Entreri knew he would pay for it later.

"Tell me Entreri, have you ever heard of something called Christmas?"

The assassin raised an eyebrow. "You've been talking to that human female again haven't you? She's a bad influence Jarlaxle. Don't listen to her."

"Are you lecturing me?"

"Yes. You tend to get these notions in your head after you converse with her," Entreri said glumly, "both you _and_ Jarian."

Jarlaxle chuckled. "Regardless of the notions we receive, what do you know of Christmas?"

"It is a festivity celebrated in the other Realm where people exchange gifts and participate in frivolity that has some kind of underlying religious meaning," Entreri said.

"What you call frivolity I call fun," Jarlaxle said. "And in the spirit of the season I plan on having Bregan D'aerthe celebrate this fine occasion to raise morale. It will be my gift to this organization."

"Who do you think you are? Jolly Old St. Jarlaxle?"

Jarlaxle grinned in reply. "A splendid idea for a name."

"That was sarcasm."

"I know," Jarlaxle said. Another gem flashed on his desk and Jarian entered his office. The tailor's eyes lit up with glee as he saw his delectable sugarplum Artemis.

"Season's greetings Artemis!"

"He mentioned his idea to you as well," Entreri stated. "And please, don't call me Artemis."

"Well of course he mentioned it to me!" Jarian preened, "I _am_ making the outfits after all."

"I'm not dressing up," Entreri said.

"Oh don't be just a Scrooge," Jarlaxle said.

"Bah humbug," Entreri said flatly. The human from another Realm had sent along a book by a man called Dickens to him.

Jarian looked confused until the book in question was passed to him. "But Scrooge turns good in the end!"

Entreri murmured softly to himself, "I must stop Christmas from coming."

"The Grinch also turns good in the end," Jarlaxle absently said looking to Entreri. "Anyway, I expect everyone to dress up and to exchange gifts because we're all going to sing Christmas carols later."

"I don't sing," Entreri muttered.

"Too bad," Jarlaxle said. "Those who sing or participate just get to wear holiday hats and don't have to wear a whole outfit…"

Entreri visibly paused. "I'll help decorate."

"What about sing-"

"Don't push it Jarlaxle," Entreri said leaving the room.

Jarian smiled. "I do hope Entreri likes what I did to the corridor."

Entreri stared in horror as the entire corridor was lined with mistletoe. He carefully unsheathed his sabre and set to work carving a path.

Jarlaxle chuckled. "Oh I'm sure it'll work him into a frenzy. Now, have you completed my outfit?"

"Of course," Jarian replied unveiling it.

Entreri made his way to one of the main halls and made his way over to a drow entwined in a string of garland. "So, you got roped into doing this as well Navor?"

"It was either that or wear one of his damnable tailor's outfits," Navor grumbled. With a growl, "help me out of this sparkling atrocity."

Entreri assisted the drow and helped drape garland and some tinsel over various statues in the hall. The tinsel was especially damnable because it got everywhere. Some servants had managed to drag in an evergreen tree from one of Jarlaxle's many gardens and various wizards were decorating it with strategically placed faerie fire that flickered to the song of some unseen caroler.

Once the hall was decorated Entreri sat with the drow. They were in the holiday spirit because they happily shared their hidden alcohol supplies they had stashed in various pockets. They were giving the gift of drunkenness. Something they felt they needed in light of their current situation.

Jarlaxle entered and all eyes went toward him. Red lizard-hide pants clung to his legs, along with shiny knee high boots that were accented with the fluffiest of spider webs along their top edges. His ebony skin shined with a polished softness that was accented by the lizard-hide vest that form fitted his chest. It looked as if something the color of tinsel lined the edges of the vest. A silver buckle flashed on a black belt and the faerie fire on the tree dimmed and then lit up again. A crimson, wide brimmed hat rested on his head adorned with sprigs of holly.

Once the drow got over the shock of Jarlaxle, their eyes had to contend with Jarian and his servants, Santa's elf and his little helpers. Jarian wore a deep green outfit and his servants Maskah, Kaifas, and Shytolin were his minty colored delights. They were dressed similarly as Jarlaxle with pants, vest, and boots except their edges were all lined with silver tinsel. They wore elfin caps, draping the end with little jingly bells to the right sides of their head. They seemed to be fondling their bells, which only served to distract Jarian, until he fondled his…which had the addition of a sprig of mistletoe. Of course his mistletoe was imbued with a subtle spell where any he caught under it were obliged to kiss him or to receive a kiss from him. He would gain his kisses one way or another.

With a snap of Jarlaxle's fingers everyone in the room received holiday hats. Most were already too drunk to notice, but others stifled their grumbles and sought to make themselves not noticeable.

Jarian wandered over to the snack table and deftly picked up a candy cane. He proceeded to suck and lick it, causing his servants to shiver with excitement.

"Please, let us give you your gift now Master Jarian," Maskah pleaded.

"We guarantee this will be a holiday you shall remember," Kaifas said.

"I'm sure no one will mind if we borrowed this table," Shytolin said eyeing it up.

"Later my minty darlings," Jarian said. He licked his candy cane again, hoping to gauge the attention of Artemis.

Entreri was trying to find a place to hide and once Navor and the other drow saw Jarian with the candy cane, they left the assassin to his own. They were not about to get caught under that mistletoe. He tried making his way to the exit, only to be stopped by Jarlaxle.

"Leaving so soon? Without a stocking stuffer?"

Entreri glared, but then twitched at the image that came to his head courtesy of Jarlaxle's words.

"You still have to hear every one sing," Jarlaxle said ushering him back inside…right over to Jarian.

Entreri eyed a nearby gingerbread man and wondered if he could shove it down Jarlaxle's throat and watch him choke to death.

"Oh Artemis, the hat looks stunning on you," Jarian said trying to edge closer.

It was at this moment that Entreri was relieved that he was taller than Jarian and the hat couldn't get above him. Jarian appeared to realize this as well and attempted to devise a plan.

Jarlaxle clapped his hands and organized his handpicked chorus, lining them up in all their festive glory. Jarian was motioned over and he pouted slightly looking to Entreri, before excitedly skipping over to the chorus with his servants in tow.

Jarlaxle cleared his throat and in a rich voice proceeded to sing.

_Said the chorus to the audience_

_Do you see what I see_

The chorus chimed; _Do you see what I see?_

_Menzoberranzan, holiday,_

_Do you see what I see_

The chorus chimed again; _Do you see what I see?_

_A drow, a drow, dancing in the night_

_With an outfit of pure delight_

Jarian proceeded to dance pirouettes in front of the chorus that sang, _With an outfit of pure delight._

Jarlaxle took his position now as a conductor, waving his hands to the chorus' song.

_Said Bregan D'aerthe to the tailor drow_

_Do you hear what I hear_

Jarian paused to cup his hand near his ear as the chorus sang; _Do you hear what I hear?_

_Deep in the hideout, tailor drow_

_Do you hear what I hear_

Jarian smirked at Jarlaxle's words and his servants sang the loudest, _Do you hear what I hear?_

_A sigh, a sigh, down below the snow_

_With a breath that's planning to blow_

Half of the chorus looked confused as they sang the words, while the other half looked far too excited. The audience edged away from the chorus as they sang, _With a breath that's planning to blow._

_Said the tailor drow to our Jarlaxle_

_do you know what I know_

The chorus' timbre grew seductive as they sang, _do you know what I know_

The audience shook their head in a vehement 'no'.

_In your hideout warm, Jarlaxle, _

_do you know what I know_

Jarian swayed seductively and sang, _what I know._

_A Man, a Man, shivers in the cold_

_Let him bring us mithril and gold_

Entreri feigned aloofness as eyes turned toward him and the chorus sang, _Let him bring us mithril and gold._

Said Jarlaxle to Bregan D'aerthe

Jarlaxle turned, _listen to what I say._

The chorus sang, _what he says._

_My drow, dear drow, lurking in the night_

_You will bring me profit and might_

The chorus finished with a resounding, _we will bring you profit and miiiiiiiggghhhhtttt!_

The mention of profit and mithril had visibly excited the drow present and they burst out into a rousing applause. Entreri absently shook his head, truly wondering how this organization prospered with such insanity. He edged to the door and nearly made it, until he noticed a sprig of mistletoe, attached to an elfin hat, dangling above his head.

"How…?"

Jarian languidly posed against the wall as Entreri turned toward him. "I have my ways, ways that are oh so enjoyable."

Entreri turned to leave, but found he couldn't. There was no normal mistletoe. He was screwed…well, not yet, but if Jarian were to hear such he would assuredly make it so. "What do you want Jarian?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No."

"Well, yes, I _do _want that…how naughty of you Artemis, however, at the moment I will be content with a single kiss."

Jarian puckered his lips and leaned forward, parting his mouth as he allowed his tongue to savor the sweetness of the kiss. He let it roll around his tongue, batting it to and fro as he gasped at the pure ecstasy of its sugary taste….

"Jarian?"

The tailor licked his fingers, languorously licking his fingers to suckle the remaining bits of flavor.

"Jarian, what are you doing?"

The tailor blinked and looked around, finally turning back to Jarlaxle. "Where did Artemis go?"

"He left, taking quite the cache of alcohol with him," Jarlaxle said. "He plans on having a merry holiday by himself. I suppose you can say it is my gift to him."

"A wonderful gift, you threw such a splendid event!" The mistletoe still floated above the two and Jarian hugged onto his leader, kissing each cheek before making his way toward his servants. It appeared as if one of their hats had fallen to their lap…

Jarlaxle's eyes furrowed slightly as he picked up a crumpled, yet shiny wrapper from the ground. "A chocolate kiss wrapping? How did he manage to get a hold of this?"

Entreri safely locked himself in his room and admired his gift of alcohol. Taking the chocolate kisses out of his pocket he breathed a sigh of relief. _That was close…next time Jarlaxle Claus wants me to attend a party I'm flat out refusing. _

* * *

**_Author's Note: _**Hope you all enjoyed Jarlaxle's Christmas Special. I blended aspects of the _Mercenary With Style _writing style with the conversations I have with my Muses, which gave it a crack-fic aspect.

For those who haven't read _Mercenary With Style, _it's a humor fic involving Jarlaxle, Entreri, and Jarlaxle's tailor Jarian and can be found in my author profile. To quote a friend, "the story gets better and better as I read on."

And on a random note, the character Navor was mentioned briefly in chapter 10…he seemed appropriate to place in this fic, lol.

The song that the chorus sings is a twisted version of _Do you hear what I hear._ I'm not able to post the link, but I'm sure you can google it if you're interested.

The songs that Jarlaxle's chorus sings can be rather catchy…(at the moment the song _Silver and Gold_ is being sung in my head by the chorus as _Mithril and Gold_).

Anyway, **happy holidays** to everyone! Thank you for your _gift _of reading. If you want to get me a present, just drop a review at the door. The postman delivers those for free!


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